Transition. It happens all the time. Moving from one place to the next. Moving from one school or job to the next. The endless seasons of winter, fall, spring, and summer. The never ending political pandemonium. Life, love, and death. Some seasons are freeing while others are binding. Our bodies, our minds, even our souls go through years of upheaval and transition simply in order to survive and move forward.

But what happens when you enter a season without a status? What happens when you lose a job? What happens when your titles leave you and you’re left with simply, “Your Name Here”? Transition, like death, waits for all of us…sometime…somewhere.

Ever since I was a kid I’ve been taught this theology that “God will never let me down. He will never disappoint me.” I’ve taught this theology over and over again as a Youth Pastor. And over the course of my serious walk with Jesus, I’ve been let down. I’ve been disappointed by God. You could say, I’ve even been hurt by God.

Right now, I have no job. With the exception of some painting work I received from a good friend of mine in August/September, I haven’t been employed since I got home on June 24. I’ve had one video job since I’ve been home. But now that I’m no longer a student, my student debt is beginning to overwhelm me. I can’t even pay for bread with my own money, let alone pay any bills. The one job I thought I could have, I ended up not getting.

Despite my endless searching, endless people telling me where I should work (which doesn’t help, by the way. It only makes things worse, so please stop telling me I should work at Store A, B, through Z. So many people think working at a retail store will somehow magically help me pay my incredible debt amount. Unless you have a real lead with real possibility, don’t randomly shout out 100 places I could work at. Also, just because I want to be a professor, doesn’t mean I can magically get a job without a PhD in my field. It’s almost impossible). Despite all these things, I still can’t find a job.

The word I have come to find that most accurately describes where I am is “disappointed.” I’m disappointed that after 13 years of working, developing skills, educating myself, drowning myself into debt to educate myself, and networking with people and building those relationships, I’ve been led to right here…which is nowhere. All of it, right now, means absolutely nothing. Right now, it was all worthless. I’m disappointed that I felt led by God to go to school and even had confirmation that I was supposed to go to those places, but they have led me to this point in my life where I have nothing but literally .05 cents in my bank account.

So how does my theology change? How does my view of God change from this wonderful, “he’ll provide, he always does” mentality?

Before all else, Jesus suffers with me in my pain. “Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani?” are some of the most powerful words in the Christian faith. They occur at the most pivotal place, not only in Christian history, but in the history of the world. Jesus cries out to God, asking why He has forsaken him. Was Jesus confused? Deut. 31:6, 31:8, Joshua 1:5, 1 Kings 8:57, 1 Chron. 28:20, Psalms 37:28, Psalms 94:14, Isaiah 41:17, Isaiah 42:16 all say that God will never leave you or forsake you. Didn’t Jesus know the scriptures? Didn’t Jesus know that was wrong?

Jesus’ words on the cross rang out through eternity of the struggles of mankind. If we believe that Jesus is our advocate (1 Peter 3:22, 1 John 2:1-2, Hebrews 9:23), then Jesus’ words on the cross, while taking on the sin and punishment of mankind, becoming our mediator and advocate before God, sounded with the cries of humanity, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” It wasn’t only Jesus who cried those words, it was each and every person who would come to know the Father through Jesus. It was each person who would wrestle and grapple with this concept that even in our pain, our suffering, our darkest and most despicable moments, God will never leave us. Though we are let down, though we are disappointed, though we are hurt by the actions of God, He promises that He will never leave us. All of these are based on His covenant, first with the Israelites, and then for the Gentiles and Jews together through Jesus.

So I press on and take courage knowing that God has still provided for me. I have the most amazing friends who are letting me live with them rent-free. I have talents, skills, and education that even though they got me into my current financial fiasco, have the incredible potential to pay off. I have parents who love me and still help me financially when they can. I have an amazing girlfriend who has seen me at some of the darkest places of my life in the last 4 months, and has stuck with me through thick and thin. I have friends who have done the same thing and I couldn’t feel more blessed to have them in my life at this time.

Finally, even though I’m a speaker, a videographer, a life coach, a website designer, a pastor, etc., I still have no “official” title or job right now. However, I AM a child of God, which is the most important and most powerful title I could have the privilege of carrying. No, things aren’t very good in my life job-wise. No, I don’t have any money to my name. BUT, I serve a God who is able to change that if I continue pursuing Jesus and His Kingdom. That doesn’t mean that some days aren’t horrible. If I could cuss right now without getting judged 500 different ways, I would say some days are downright “shitty.” And that’s okay! It’s okay to be honest with ourselves. It’s okay to be honest with our friends/family. And most importantly, it’s okay to be honest with God. It’s okay to say, “God…today was horrible. Everything went wrong. Nothing went right. My life sucks today.” It’s when we move from being honest to consistently negative without doing anything to try and change our current situation that we risk being dangerous to people around us, our faith, and ourselves. So we move forward.

We cannot change the past. We can barely do much to change the present. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this transitional season. Right now, I see no good light in sight. I long for the one day when I can finally say, “I am totally content with where I am.” I long for the day when the bills are paid, dinner is on the table, and I’m giving away more than I’m taking in. But until then, I continue building my craft and developing skills. I continue putting myself out there to get speaking engagements and video work. I continue looking for jobs that will help me financially. Because if I stop and if I allow myself to become stagnant, then I will never be happy, I will never be content, and most importantly, I will never be fulfilled.

Has God let me down? Absolutely. There’s no getting around it. I came home from Israel on June 24. I’m writing this on November 12th. But he provided for me in August-October. If I had a full-time job I wouldn’t have gone to Honduras. I still don’t have a full-time job that is paying the bills. I still don’t have a place to live to call my own. Has God hurt me? In the past, yes. Has God come to my rescue? Not yet. Maybe He will tomorrow? Maybe He won’t? I don’t know the answer to God’s timing. But I do know that He’s provided in the past and I’m hopeful that He will provide in the future.

Transition will always be there lurking. It will always try to deceive us into believing we are worthless, uneducated, unqualified, and not good enough. But those are the lies of the enemy, and not the words of our Father, who calls us sons and daughters (2 Cor 6:18; Gal 3:26; Romans 8:14; 1 John 3:1). Jesus’ actions on the cross reminds us that He is our advocate before the Lord, testifying on our behalf because of Jesus’ sacrifice for us. When transition approaches, all you can do is keep moving forward, keep praying for the Lord to provide and reveal himself in your time of trouble, and remember that you aren’t the only on going through it.

Maranatha. מרנאתא.