Right now it’s about 15 minutes after midnight right inside the Jaffa Gate of Jerusalem and I cannot fall asleep. It’s my last full night here and I’m pondering about 1,000,001 things. I’m not quite sure where this will go, so enjoy my completely raw train of thought.

As I lay here in my hostel bed, I keep thinking, “Why don’t I feel any different?” Before I came on this trip, I was dealing with a lot of emotional and spiritual issues: Bitterness, anger, rage, fear, nervousness, feelings of not being good enough, feelings of embarrassment and I could go on. My mind is like an emotional melting pot right now and I’m afraid. Before this trip I kept thinking and telling my friends, “Hopefully when I go to Israel I will get out of my situation and be able to get rejuvenated.” Now, don’t get me wrong, for anyone else (and I’m sure you can ask the people on our trip), our Israel trips are rejuvenating spiritually and much more. However, because of my season of life (and because I was always filming something rather than soaking it in), I know I’m going home with a lot of the same struggles and emotions.

During our second night in Galilee, one of the guys on our trip asked to pray with me. So here I am at our hotel dinner in Galilee, receiving an amazing prophetic word for where I’m at, I have about 5 people laying hands on me  and most of the time I kept thinking, “Lord, I don’t like having people praying for me. I don’t deserve this. I know I need it, but I don’t want this attention on me.” And every time those thoughts entered, the Holy Spirit said, “Just soak it in and receive it.” I heard amazing teachings by Dr. Davis. I’ve seen some of the most “holy sites” in the world and here I am 12 days later about to go back home feeling relatively the same way.

I know I need Jesus. I know I need to let go and obey the Holy Spirit. But just as so many of the Jews go to the Western Wall to pray, so I feel like I’m at a spiritual wall every time I ask the Lord to heal me of my brokenness. I know that in the midst of my storm, Jesus is there. I know that even though I only see fog, Jesus is here. And I also know that just because I don’t feel Jesus, doesn’t mean he isn’t with me. But I’m scared.

I’m scared because the one thing I loved doing I cannot and probably will never do again. I’m scared because of personal reasons that I would rather not share to protect those close to me. I’m scared because I’m about to leave my friends/family for 2 years. I’m also scared that I may not be leaving my friends and family for 2 years if I can’t work out my financial situation. I’m scared because my finances are quickly fading. I’m scared because I’ve been in a desert season of my spiritual life for so long. I’m scared because I know I’ve let bitterness and anger crawl back into the valves of my heart. I’m scared because I feel like I’m doing this alone.

I long for the day when I can once again do what I love and live joyfully in the Lord. I long for the day when the troubles of my personal life no longer effect the man I am becoming. I long for the day when I don’t have to search the deserts for an oasis but can enter the Promised Land. I long for the day when I no longer have to feel like I’m doing things alone. I long for the day when I don’t have to stand at the wall any longer and I can enter the mount.

But right now, I’m in a difficult season of life. Lots of major things have ended. Lots of major things are about to begin. Transition. It’s one of the most difficult seasons of life. If you are reading this, I ask that you would pray that I am able to faithfully continue my pursuit to follow the Holy Spirit’s lead in every area of my life. Pray that I am able to overcome all of the struggles I am currently facing.

Lots of pastors would probably never post anything like this. Which is another question I’ve pondered: Am I still a pastor even though I’m not currently leading a congregation/youth group? Is it a calling or a vocation? I’ll save that for another post. But I want to post this so you understand what many pastors (maybe even yours) goes through in different seasons of life. This doesn’t mean he or she is any less of a pastor or Christ-follower. It simply means that the Lord is leading them through the desert in order to prepare them for the future to come. I pray with everything in me that my own desert season will end soon. I suppose in some weird way, because I’m no longer “pastoring” I can post something like this without the fear of being scolded for being honest. Heaven forbid anyone in the church be honest about where they are truly at in life (Okay, off my soapbox).

I want to end with one very, very important thing. As I sat with my new brother Daniel the other night, we were talking about our past and the mistakes we’ve made. I told him how many times I’ve gone before the Lord to erase those thoughts and memories from my mind that I regretted. But Daniel had the greatest come back and said, “But if we strive for innocence then we will have to relearn all of the mistakes and trials we just endured.” Our mistakes help us grow in our maturity. Even though they may be sinful (which, please don’t misunderstand, I’m not lowering the weight of sin), they are experiences and events designed to push us closer to God, grow as individuals and teach others our mistakes.

Except the occasional misspelled word or improper punctuation (which I’m sure there are still plenty), this has not been edited and has been the result of about an hours worth of writing and thinking. I encourage you to be honest with your friends, family and accountability partners. If you’re in a tough season, don’t try to hide it. Let others know so they can pray for you, encourage you and support you during these seasons (Which I have done). However, you should also not go on ridiculous Twitter and/or Facebook rants about it either. You can be honest and still honor Jesus. As a Christ-follower, social media is not your ranting outlet when things go bad (And I have messed this up in the past). Social media is a platform. People see you on your platform and if you claim to follow Jesus, how they see you is most likely how they’ll see Jesus. So in a nutshell, don’t be a fool with the resources you’ve been given. Be smart online and if you make a mistake: grow, learn and pursue God more passionately.