This topic has been on my heart for a long time and well, you read the title, you know what’s about to happen, so here it goes.

Oh….You’re Single

My last “relationship” was in 2008. Even if you hate math like me, you know that’s a long time ago. This isn’t to say I haven’t tried. I’ve attempted to get out there. I’ve tried to date, but nothing ever worked out. I remember one of my pastors praying earnestly for me to receive the love of my life. That prayer was so powerful I thought for sure she was going to be waiting at my dorm room door with a ribbon on her head and a sign that said, “Here I Am!” Obviously, that didn’t happen.

I went to both Bible College and Seminary, and being single there is almost as bad as having leprosy. Since I was embedded in this culture for so long, finding a wife became my idol. I couldn’t be seen as single. People will think there’s something wrong with me. Pastors won’t want a single guy, and some of them didn’t when I applied. It was either find a wife or be looked at as if you had a second head. Then came terrible thoughts: I started thinking bad thoughts about myself. It’s because I’m not good looking or good enough. It’s because I sinned the other day. It’s because I’m a pastor. It’s because of something I did 10 years ago. It’s because of this or that. The list goes on for days. I couldn’t (and sometimes still can’t) shake the feeling that these were the reasons why I wasn’t married yet. I also had thoughts that my grandparents may not get to see me married or see their great-grandkids. This may sound far-fetched, but these are legitimate thoughts I’ve had.

Are ‘Ministry’ and ‘Single’ Even Allowed In The Same Sentence?

Things didn’t get easier. Doing ministry by yourself is both a good thing and an awful thing! Because I was single, I could focus my time on the ministry and my schoolwork. But because I was single, I was quite lonely and it made for some incredibly difficult days. However, being single in ministry helped me realize what marriage is really about: companionship and partnership, doing life together. But I think the hardest part was when within a two-month period, three of my best friends got married. Don’t get me wrong; I was beyond happy and excited for each one of them. But you start to feel a little behind on things when situations like this happen. Even when some people tried to play matchmaker, things still didn’t work out; and trust me, I know a thing or two about matchmakers. I’ve had church grandmothers tell me they have the perfect granddaughter for me. Some of the youth group kids would constantly try to set me up with waitresses (The amount of awkward moments those created outnumber the grains of sand on the seashore!). Some went so far as to put me on ChristianMingle.com. I’ve heard and seen about every kind of matchmaking technique out there, and yes, I’ve been set up on a blind date.

At a point you start to wonder if you are missing out on a part of life. When I was 23 everyone kept saying, “Oh, don’t worry, you’re still young.” Well here I am at 26, single as single can get, and I’m beginning to wonder if those words still apply? I never used to watch How I Met Your Mother until my friends Rich and Deb showed it to me. Of course, I don’t agree with a lot of the show’s values (Yes, that’s my disclaimer. Can’t have a good Christian blog post without one good disclaimer). Nevertheless, Ted Mosby says something I’ve felt quite often on the Trilogy episode of season 7, “…that was the first time I gave up hope that things will get better in [the future].” Needless to say, I’ve given up hope quite often both for finding my wife and that life would improve in the future.

So let’s change gears here for a second. The other day I saw a meme that said, “Everyone’s getting married and having kids, and I’m just chillin’ here living my dream.” It’s true. I may be single, but I’m currently writing this from my dorm room in Jerusalem, literally living my dream and goal to live here. I’m pursuing my second Master’s degree and hopefully going for my PhD. after this. Of course, there’s nothing I’d love more than to live my dream with my future wife. But that’s simply not God’s timing for me yet. Right now I have 5 other guy friends here who are all single, and it feels great to be in a community with other single guys again. I NEVER thought I would still be single at 26. And at this point, I will probably be single until I’m 30, but it’s something I can’t force. I’ve seen so many divorces and engagements broken off these last 4 years that I refuse to marry the wrong woman. That may sound selfish or shallow, but I’m looking for something that’s going to last ‘till death do us part’ not ‘till I’m fed up with you.’

What I’ve Learned

One of the most powerful statements I heard on singleness came from a night at youth group. We did a relationship panel where the kids could ask anonymous questions on relationships. I have no clue what the question was, but Katie Cass, one of the leaders answered firmly, “You are not created half of a person. Jesus made you one whole person. You don’t need someone else [aside from Jesus] to be happy.” And she’s right! And that’s what I’ve learned. I’ve learned that I have to be content with where I’m at without my spouse (Ironically, I have a Philippians 4:13 tattoo). I’ve learned that if I’m not fully happy now, I definitely won’t be fully happy with my wife. So I have a long way to go. Whether I meet her tomorrow or (God-forbid, please no!) ten more years from now, I have to be content with Jesus, and Jesus alone. I’m not sure that I’ll ever fully get there, but the closer I get, the better a husband and father I’ll (hopefully) become. If I don’t know who I am in Christ, how could I possibly teach my son or daughter who they are in Christ?

Final Thoughts

Here’s another aspect of this post that’s been on my mind: Churches, don’t give up on the singles in your community. There are a lot of us out there. We are not second-class citizens. We are not living in sin (well, maybe some are, but you should still welcome them anyways). We don’t have a contagious sickness. We are people who need fellowship and community with other single believers in the area. So please, stop neglecting us.

This may not have been my “most encouraging post” ever, but it is real. I didn’t hide much here. If you want to know what it’s been like for me as a single Christ-follower, this is it. I can’t be the judge for how other people view it. I just hope that others will feel encouraged that they aren’t the only ones out there dealing with it. It’s a shame that so many people in the church have cultivated an atmosphere where singleness is a disease. Let’s always remember that if we are pursuing Jesus then His timing is perfect…and we all know that means more times than not…we have to wait a while.

Updated June 24, 2015: I can’t believe I forgot this, but just remember, Paul was very much in favor of people in ministry staying single in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul was single, Jesus was single, the list goes on. Just to reiterate the title, it is not a sin to be single.